I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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