Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
