Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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