Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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