why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
