just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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