Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
