You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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