I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
