The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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