I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
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I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
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i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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