just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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