Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I need moral support for this bender
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
