i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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