I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
