I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
