I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
