do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm always down for nudity.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
