you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My ATM looks so different sober.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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