yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
