I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
