there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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