At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
