i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
