my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
