so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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