On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
pop tarts are not kleenex
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
