Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
