I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
