Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
