One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
