Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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