my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
