i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
