Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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