I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
third nipple confirmed
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
