we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
