She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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