Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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