Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
