Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
