so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
