apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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