Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I want a musical about memes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
