Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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