Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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