my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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