i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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