Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
