I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
