Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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