Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
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Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
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There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
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