Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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