Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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