Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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