Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
