just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just google imaged poop.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
