i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
