Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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