Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
