yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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