If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
