just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
