There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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